The reason why I have been gone for a while.

Today I am going to talk about is what happens when you have to deal with a trauma or death whilst working as an intern. 

Just under 4 weeks ago I had to take two days off from work due to shock. It sounds a lot more dramatic than the situation deserves and it certainly isn’t anything I ever want to go through again.

But the thing you need to remember in situations like these is that it is alright to take time from work – not only that but you should NEVER feel guilty about it because these situations are unique and people deal with them differently – we all cope differently.

On the 24th of July 2012 at 5.55pm I was at the Tate Modern meeting up with two of my best friends. Whilst we were just about to head into the museum a man jumped from the 5th floor balcony of the members lounge and landed just feet in front of us. 

I will never forget the sound of him hitting the ground nor will I be able to erase the image of seeing him afterwards. And now after seeing his name and picture in the papers I shall never forget his face. 

However the thing that makes the whole situation even harder is the fact it happened at one of my most favourite spots in central London – the Southbank. The problem is I now don’t look forward to walking along from Blackfriars station to work because I have to pass the Tate. I sort of dread it. I walk quicker because I don’t want to stay there longer than is necessary; I want to say that the hardest part of this was the actual event, but I think it is knowing it shall always be at the back of my mind. 

Some people might feel sorry for the guy – committing suicide is no easy decision and we have no idea the situation he was in – however I don’t. I feel no sympathy for him. His family, yes- but HIM, never. 
I feel like a bad person when I say that but inevitably what he did was selfish. He has inflicted pain on all the people that had to witness it happen and on his family and friends who are left behind. 

I have tried writing this post a lot in the last 4 weeks, it isn’t an easy thing to write about and it isn’t an easy thing to talk to people about either. But I knew I had to write this down and it is the reason I have been MIA over here. I didn’t want to just write any old post before explaining what has been going on. 

A lot of my friends don’t know this happened nor do some of my family. I think for many people they cannot imagine what me and my best friends saw – that even if it was bad it can’t have been that traumatic. The only good thing about being there with my two friends is that I have people to talk to about it – no matter how much time has passed sadly the three of us will remember it, and at least I always know I have people to talk too. 

Yesterday morning while I walked to work a guy dropped his chain to lock his bike – I don’t know why but the sound made me jump and look up. It is when thinks like this happen that I realise how difficult life is, how we all take different paths and how we all deal with things in our own ways. I partially wrote this post for anyone that has something similar, whether that is the death of someone close to you or if you have seen something that was like what I saw, happen to them. But I also wrote it as a record. As much as I want to forget the whole thing I also want to know it gets better and if in a few months’ time I read this back and realise that I’m thinking about it less and less then that is something I want.